June went home to shower and get some clean clothes. Black clouds boiled in a black sky. The wind howled with an eerie tone. Splashes of lightning slashed through the dark morning air.
It seemed that her welcome home, even from nature, was unnerving. An omen? She wondered jamming her keys into the front door of the house. Upon entrance, the house was quiet. The only thing she could hear was the wind outside pounding against it. “Melody, where are you?” she yelled. But no one answered. Keep calm, she said to herself. She has to be somewhere. All the lights were off in the house. They must be in the trailer? She thought.
She shoved the front door open and ran to her mother’s trailer. Hoping the rain would hold off just a bit longer. Her hair kept getting in her eyes, making it hard for her to see. She swiveled her head side to side, searching for Mally and Melody. Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm, she said over and over. The grass was higher than normal. June had it on her long list of to do’s.
“What are you doing out here?” Tom said. “It’s about to pour down.”
“Where’s Melody and Mally?”
He looked around. “I’m not sure. I’ve been in the barn all morning.”
“Will you help me look for them?”
He didn’t have to say yes. He quickly put down his bucket and followed her to the trailer.
June beat on the door of the trailer. “Mom! Are you in there.” She waited for a moment. Silence. She walked around to the window and tapped on the glass. “Mom?”
Tom shook his head. “Do you know where else they might be?”
“I might.”
They ran to the sunflower garden. “Melody! Mom!” she yelled. In the distance she could see something. The thunder and lightning was getting closer together. It was only a matter of time, and the clouds would open up and release the rain. The closer she got, the better she could see. Melody was sitting on her knees crying. June bent down. “Where’s your grandmother?”
“She’s mad at me.”
June squatted down beside her. “Why is she mad at you?”
Melody shook her head.
“You don’t know why?”
“I made her sad, Mommy.”
“How?”
Melody shook her head again. “Is Grandpa going to heaven?”
“Oh, sweet baby.” June reached for Melody’s hand and held it gently. “Grandpa’s sick.”
“Did Grandma make him sick?”
June squinted with confusion. “Why would you say that?”
“Grandpa told me that Grandma made him sick.”
“Did you tell Grandma that?”
Melody nodded.
“I’m sure he was only kidding. He didn’t mean it like that.”
“He wasn’t laughing about it, Mommy.”
“Tom, can you go find my mom?” June looked at Melody. “Do you know where she is?”
“She told me she needed a minute and locked herself in the bathroom.”
“Where? In the house or her trailer?”
“The house.”
June became worried again. The house seemed empty. Tom took off toward the house.
“Listen.” June scooted closer. “Grandpa hasn’t been himself lately. So, let’s not repeat anything that might hurt your Grandma’s feelings.”
“I didn’t mean to. I was kind of mad at her for making Grandpa sick.”
“She didn’t do that, baby.”
“Then who did?”
June stared up to the dark sky and winced at the thought of blaming God. “No one did. It’s hard to explain.” The truth was, she didn’t quite understand it herself. But this wasn’t the time to unravel life’s questions. She stood and helped Melody up. Hand and hand they walked back to the house.
The front door was wide open when they got there. Tom stood at the top of the stairs. He motioned for June to come up there with him.
June closed the front door. “Stay here.”
Melody nodded.
Tom pointed to the bathroom door. “It’s locked. I tried.”
June slowly walked toward the door. She leaned her back against it and slid down to sit. “Mamma?” Silence. “I know you’re in there. You know Daddy didn’t—” She stopped short. “I love you…”
She could hear the door unlock. June stood and opened it. Mamma sat alone on the side of the bathtub.
June sat beside her.
Mally looked up at June. “You know…I never thought our love would end like this.”
June understood.
“I’ve lived my life for that man.” Mally murmured. “I mean he hates me. It’s not a normal hate either. It’s like I lied or cheated on him. And Melody is right. I made him sick.”
“That’s absurd…and impossible, by the way.” She heard the wind hitting the glass window, tapping to come in. “We all say things we don’t mean when we’re mad and scared.”
“Ha…yeah…His words used to carry me, bring me to a place of sunlight and love.” Mally put her finger to her chin. “Now, it pushes me under. Takes all the good out of me. He took his love for me and burned it. Made it unclean. How do I move on from that?”
“Oh Mamma. You need to forgive him.”
“I want to. It’s killing me not to be there for him. I try to remember him the way he used to be but then he grimaces and reminds me that I’m not allowed to come close anymore. It’s terrible…and part of me is so mad at him right now…that I almost want him to die.”
“Mamma, you don’t mean that.”
“It hurts. The pain has become so unbearable that it brings out the worse in me. I know it’s not right. God forgive me for thinking such a thing. I just need some kind of release from the pain. I can’t live like this anymore.”
“Mamma, I need to tell you something…” She reached over for her hand, held it. “Daddy refused treatment and now…well, he has stage four lung cancer.”
Mally tilted her head. “What?”
“He hasn’t been doing chemo like we thought.”
“Oh, my gracious…Does he want to die?”
“Come with me to the hospital.”
“I can’t.”
“Please. You’ll look back on this day, a thousand times. That pain you have inside of you…won’t go away…because you won’t let it. It’ll eat you up inside and fester, gnawing at your soul. Forgive him. Or you will never forgive yourself.”
“Oh, sweet girl. Don’t you understand? I can’t. Even if I came…I could never look at him the same way again. He wouldn’t allow it.”
“Then so be it.” June let go of her mother’s hand. “I have to go. Daddy’s dying and I’m not going to let him slip away from this earth without telling him how much I love him. He loves us, Mamma. I know he does. And somewhere inside of you…you know the same.” June slowly stood up and walked out. Hoping her mother would follow in unison. Hoping she would remember the love their family once had. Hoping that she would remember the truth. But darkness had grabbed a hold of her family and the more they fell into it, the more their love disappeared for one another.
“It’s time to go.” June grabbed Melody’s hand and opened the front door.
Mally watched them leave from the top of the stairs. Holding onto the banister with all her might. You could see the agony in her eyes, but she couldn’t push through it. It had taken over.
With a swiftness, June closed the door. It was the first time her mother was letting her down. Couldn’t she see they needed her? They needed each other. Her mother’s anger was ferocious and consuming. And there was nothing June could do about it.
Tom waved goodbye from the front porch. “Is it all right with you if I stay awhile and help out around here?”
June quickly put Melody into the backseat of the car and rushed to the drivers side. She opened the door and stood, looked up at Tom through lowered lashes, blurred by the incessant rain. “Suit yourself.” Then she gave a quick nod and got into the car and drove away.
⚘⚘⚘
June stood with Melody outside the closed door to her father’s hospital room, trying to calm her breathing. She could hear noises all around her, up and down the hall, nurses hurrying on rubber-soled shoes, food carts being rolled from room to room.
June reached for the silver metal door handle, twisted it. She walked into the unwelcoming, small, cold room.
Daddy was sitting up in bed, leaning against white, flat pillows. He looked worn down, pale, skinny.
“Good to see you’re awake.” She leaned down and kissed his cheek. “You should have told me you weren’t going to the doctors all this time. What were you thinking?”
He reached for his Styrofoam cup and took a sip.
“Did you hear me, Daddy?”
“Grandpa, grandpa, do you want to watch me ride my bike when we get home?” Melody couldn’t stay still. She ran back and forth in the room acting like she was riding her imaginary bike.
June sat beside him on the bed. “I’m talking to you. Are you just going to ignore me?”
He shifted his eyes her way. “It’s my cancer, not yours.” He put his drink down on the overbed table.
“So, you’re giving up. Just like that.”
Melody zoomed past them, running around from corner to corner.
He touched June’s hand. June sat there, scared, wanted to say, and do the right thing, but what would that be, and how would it matter now? “Daddy, I can’t lose you,” she whispered.
“I’m a burden now…you have to let me go.”
“I’ll never let you go. Don’t you understand that. You can push and push…I’m not going away.”
“I can’t keep putting more on you.” He watched Melody as she picked up every little thing in the room. “You have your own family now.”
“Oh, Daddy…my family is broken too. So broken.” Tears slid down her face. “I need you, Daddy.”
“Ah, baby girl.” Henry sighed tiredly, gazed up at June through sad, watery eyes. His breath was wheezing, labored. “I’ll always be with you, watching you, holding you in my arms, keeping you safe. Not even death can stop me from that. But I do have to go…and you have to let me.”
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